Snow and Date Night

It's snowing and kind of magic.

It started a little yesterday too, but today is Monday and people are heading to work and school hoping for a day off and a chance to work from home. I walk to work and never really have an excuse to not come in, or to even be late, because of the weather. Oh well, it's still fun and makes me smile even though I still have to go to work.

I wonder if there will be tutoring tonight?

Yesterday morning I was laying in a strange bed and asked if it was really going to snow. The view from the bedroom window was limited and didn't really show that it was indeed already lightly snowing with fat whimsical flakes. We walked for coffee in the snow flurries, the ground was too warm to make it stick though. It was a nice stroll in the morning with a really nice guy that I hope to continue to get to know. We have no contract. We're just getting to know each other.

My life is a movie sometimes. There's a few actresses and musicians that totally get me. One movie in particular is something I quote in my head often and an entire album from the nineties that is me to a perfect T. Because I'm trouble, with a capital T, which rhymes with P and that stands for pool - though that's another story entirely. I just hope that when this story ends it's a good one and not a horrible one.

We'll see each other again because we keep having a good time together and it's fun, he likes me! Hey Mikey! It's strange in a little way how we met and seem so excellent together. Maybe we'll stop being excellent once we get better acquainted and run out of things to say. I really like him though and I hope to hang out with him a little longer. It was such a great date night.

It's my yearly winter romance. I hope he calls...

Trying Something New

I'm trying to not let things blow up. The emotions are there and simmering just below the surface. I try to just smile through it and laugh and have a good time, or at lease gather all the ingredients that when combined will create the opportunity for a good time. Someone asked me how I can be so happy and was surprised by how well I was handling the break-up. I guess I just see it as having options, I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to be happy and get through this with a positive attitude. That doesn't mean I don't cry myself to sleep or lock myself in the bathroom sobbing every once in a while, I just make sure to not be miserable all the time.

I started to re-read Like Water For Chocolate, I ended up crying and feeling like I would never be happy again. I love the imagery from the book though, I like the idea of being near to someone through cooking or anything else really. It's a secret that the two of you share and it doesn't matter that there's a world between you, there's a space to inhabit where you're as close as two people can be.

I miss being close to someone. I haven't been that great at relationships and I've made a lot of mistakes, I like to experiment and make things up as I go. The problem is things usually don't turn out well, as if I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what it is. I just keep going though, what other option is there? I seemed to have done something right though with this person and it lasted for a little while and I'm happy for that. Maybe the next relationship will be a bit better. Maybe I'll get the right combination of ingredients and heat and make something great out of the chaos in my head. Isn't that the way it always is though?

So I'm trying something new and pushing on to see what lies ahead, I'm trying not to be too serious about it either. It's supposed to to be fun. I'm supposed to be laughing. Those are always good ingredients to have around, I can't go wrong with that. There's going to be more mistakes and a few frogs along the way though, so I'll have to remember through it all I should be having a good time regardless and try until something new works out. I'll have to experiment a bit longer.

I made soup the other night, there's still left-overs and though it doesn't look amazing it tastes alright and is delicious in its simplicity. It was an experiment that turned into something good. I have a fairly accurate sense of the way things fit together and what works for me, I have faith if I keep trying I'll find what I'm looking for and though it might not look amazing it will be wonderful - even if it is simple.

Vegan?

I'll try this out, posting for vegan mofo.

I've been vegan for a while and I like it, though I understand the fluidity of life and see that there could be a time in the future that I might not be as strictly vegan as I am today. That's kind of strange to think about though because I can't bring myself to eat certain things that would be in the realm of possibility, there are other things I won't eat purely based on the betterment of the planet and environment. Cows are bad for the environment when farmed in large populations, driving a car is better for the planet than eating a meat based diet. It's a fact and until this is reversed we should all curb our meat and dairy (?) consumption. Plus the dairy industry supports the veal industry, so to be politically correct you should also cut out dairy - some people talk a lot about animal cruelty and so on when discussing veal, but don't make the connection with where those little tender cows come from. Anyway, I like the way I eat and I might change it in the future because life changes and things are never black and white.

I'm friends with a guy that is younger and less experienced in life in general. He's vegan and new at it and asks me for advice. He likes to look to me for guidance and considers me a role model, which is weird. I don't feel comfortable with that all the time, I see myself as a fuck up a lot and it seems ridiculous for me to give advice. I don't know any better than you, do what makes you happy. I try to stress the importance of staying relaxed in the whole thing, coming from a perspective of disordered eating I can see how rigidity and restrictive diets can lead to dangerous territory. He being a guy and not really in tune with eating disorders didn't get that people, girls especially, can get wrapped up in what they eat and how much to a point of total confusion and the detriment of health. We talked about it and I tried to let him know as much as he needed without giving too much of my own disorder and struggles, some things are too personal I suppose - I mean we're friends, but not that close. He's young too, hopefully life will treat him nice and he'll be able to gain a little more perspective as he grows into a man and I'll be there to help because we need more good men who understand that life can be fucked up and people experience life in different ways. We all have a path, I'm glad he trusts me and wants to hear what I have to say though.

Recently a relationship ended, he broke up with me. I knew it was coming though and wasn't surprised when I brought up our relationship to check in and found out he wasn't that into it, the next day he emailed me to let me know he was seeing someone else. I had already walked away from him emotionally though so this didn't affect me as badly as it could have and I ended up kind of numb for a while. I bought an onyx ring, I had been wanting a new ring since my favorite ring had broken a few months back. The woman I bought it from told me it would bring me luck and I was sold, I had been sort of indecisive and needed the extra push from her. I usually hate being sold stuff and like to make up my own mind without some cloud of bullshit. I looked up what properties onyx has and found it can be good for getting rid of relationships or other hang-ups. Perfect. It sort of worked too, I'm moving forward and getting things sorted, I just have to leave it though because there won't be any answers or closure from him.

I get so sad though, there's so much comfort in sleeping with my stuffed animal. It's a stuffed poodle, her name is Fi Fi Le Femme and I got her the day I was born. She's been there through everything with me. She's also vegan.