Balance the Control

Control the balance.

I took a trip through the mystic recently, determined to find an answer. I usually let it all come to me, washing over my mind to clarify all that seems to be a tangled mess. It's nice to step back though and look for yourself, actually seeking out the signs that could realign my mixed up mind. What I found was strange and slightly different from the norm. The cards read that I had come through an awakening and now was the time to take things into my own two hands. If I let things go and let the universe take control I would lose it all and end up in some such hazard.

The fool dancing right off the cliff with a little dog too.

There are times I can't take it and feel waves crashing over my head, water seeping in and around me. A panic sets in and suddenly I am drowning while standing on dry ground. I'm taking too much on and thus feel overwhelmed, but what else am I doing with my time? Filling up every possible moment so that I am forced to manage. Time. Management was never a strength, though I always got things done. I often allowed a touch of panic in, urgency and impending doom painted across my face until the task was complete.

Why was it so hard to let go and take the easy way, to be happy.

So I learned to take cues from nature and the divine universe that folded in and around me, taking not of the every day signs that could help make this journey less stressful and more fun. My mind reset and life was reassessed. Friends were shed and new connections made on more solid ground, terms that were important and sound.

Now, one more step to take me forward. I've been relying on this great Earth to carry me on, but that could be dangerous in the coming future. It's up to me to take the lead, slowly. With each breath I take the problems and the responsibility get a little smaller and manageable. Which makes me so happy.

It's Spring and I am looking forward to the nicer weather, a little gentler than the raggy winter. Always a bit softer here than anywhere else. Seeming to bring hope with a cracked sky and clearing of clouds over the Sound. The sound of the Northwest beating out a rhythm to make our feet dance. Music to my ears. Music is the way of the way to my happy, dancing heart.

Love it.

Lots of live shows on the list to come, this weekend will be fun. The last show I went to was a mix of FEELINGS. Wanting to go so bad and dressing it up to make my heart a little lighter. I found a corner where I would not be found and danced a quiet dance and hoped to be free of a memory far too old to still be haunting the hallways of this broken house. And in the end I left without even a sighting and had to laugh at what worried me so. The real dread is that I don't want to let go, hoping to see the one I lost and find the love I gave away. I learned that it's not quite so and to live as I had before, dancing to the music that has been mine all along. And last night I danced some more, running into a co-worker and finding a connection between us beyond the factory.

I'm also trying to take control of the acne that is exploding across my face, such a battle so late in my adolescence. 

Gray Day

I woke up and heard the rain, the sun was hiding behind a wall o' clouds. Tom Robbins described the sky in this town as if cotton balls had been dragged behind a truck for some distance. When I read that in one of his books my eyes lit up knowingly and it felt like an old friend commiserating on a winter's day. It's March though and as I walked out to the living room our windows revealed that it was snowing, big and huge puff flakes. They floated down to the ground, melting immediately. It's March. It was sort of mesmerizing and sad and wonderful. I guess the snow brings back stupid memories and makes me think of a friend lost, a friendship so closely entwined with this particular weather pattern that it's hard not to think of the two together. Kind of lame, but it wasn't stabby pain and it was as short lived as the flurry itself. Perhaps I may be moving on.

I drank too much last night, I was kind of manic as well. It was a really bad place, going cray cray with our co-workers probably isn't the best thing to do. Maybe that should be addressed. Going out was fun though Oliver carried me on his shoulder and I may have said embarrassing things in front of everyone. I made it home though and didn't lose anything. The red water bottle was thought to be lost at one point, but it was really just siting on the table in front of me. I dropped my phone and some quarters. It could have been worse. We'll see what happens Monday down at the factory, I might not remember everything.

I may have lost control, I may have been a little self conscious of this during the evening.

I wonder what is up for this weekend, somehow I feel that I might spend all my time laying around even though I have things to do and a desire to see some live music. Next weekend there's a show I'm going to, so even if that doesn't happen this weekend I have plans to look forward to. And I've gotten into working out, so that will happen and I won't have been totally unproductive. I'm also interested in making lunch now... This weekend has so much promise!

Maybe the clouds will part, though that seems like a dream not to come true. It's looking pretty solid, light filtering through and without hope of thinning in the least. 

The sun was out yesterday and I wished for Summer. Now it's snowing and the sky looks like cotton balls after being dragged along through the puddles. 

A Trip South

Winter in the rainy city was getting to me, my bones were taking on water and my toes felt cold inside my sneakers from all the wet. So I turned a loving eye toward a dear and precious friend working for the year on a distant and oh-so warm island. I could visit and catch up with her while also soaking up the sun that has forgotten us here at home. The sand was soft and the surf was warm, we played and danced and laughed.

It was a lovely time. Time to take for myself, away from work and the same old same old. I relaxed and lived as though today was all that mattered. I remembered how much I love the sun and warmth and light, the way it feels to have a sunny day without the rain. And again began to fantasize about living and working abroad, searching out my own endless summer.

In this place though, I found my mind wandering a familiar and dangerous path. I went back and thought a lot about someone. Someone that I can't shake because I was so shaken by them. Seeing a face in the crowd or remembering a small conversation referencing this trip as a future plan sent me back to a place I've been fighting to let go. It's small and far away from the normal reality I try to live everyday, it takes me away from all the good things and slams me back into the bad. So even as I was escaping the daily grind, the large and angry raccoon in the room would not be ignored. In little ways I've cut away from this, little by little making it better and easier. Though I've still got a long way to go.

One night we went dancing and had fun finding trouble. I tried not to be too scandalous, but failed epically. I disappeared and though my friends looked for me they could not find me. I was off making trouble and getting in over my head too quickly to realize how terrible it was turning out. My friends became so mad at me they decided that they were not drunk enough and needed shots of tequila to remedy the situation. Perhaps they would have more fun after. I made them mad enough to pay $8 a shot. All this I apologized for later, on the dance floor and on our way to bed as well as in the morning. Once I returned from an adventure that could have turned out much worse I realized how stupid I had been and how my friends had suffered as well. So there was a little peek into my soul and evaluation on why I do the things I do, obviously something needs to change. I'm reckless in a reckless way, it's not cute or fun and the stories aren't that interesting. 

It's up to me, I want my life to be different so I'll make it so. I have to stop waiting around for something to happen, it's up to me to make it happen. I've let things slip a little too much, I've let things go bad and get worse. I've let things happen naturally, but I also let things go on that should have been stopped long ago. The focus was lost and the whys turned into reasons to let it all fall apart a little bit more. So now I know, now I can move back toward the path I should have been on all along.

We went swimming in clear pools of freshwater, swimming also were these cute little catfish. It was a special day of searching out a van that would take us away from the city and then waiting by the highway afterward to flag down another ride home. I wish I could go back to be able to bring more of it with me now that I am home for real. I miss the sun and way to be able to relax that is only possible in the summer, with the night floating in on a song through the open window. It's hard finding my way back, finding the sun in the morning with so many overcast clouds.