A New Exciting Way of Seeing the World

I have been going back and forth in my head over what to do with a certain boy. I actually need to decide what to do with my FEELINGS for a certain boy.

He and I met and had a very small adventure, ending with him seemingly loosing interest and my phone number. Then he texted at the horrible hour of 2am, with the dreadful implications of no strings attached sex. The only problem is that I tend to attach strings without even knowing it. I enjoyed our time together before and wasn't having any luck falling asleep, so I invited him in.

I let him back into my life feeling hopeful that things would work themselves out into what I had wanted from him before. Not a relationship so much. but a friendship with benefits. I'm not tricking myself into believing things between us would be anything more serious simply because of the way he is. He's a good person though and I appreciate the talks we have. He's a friend worth keeping around for so many reasons, including the sex.

I thought I knew what to expect with him, I thought I knew what the whole thing was about. As the two of us rediscovered each other's bodies, he whispered a question that made my heart sink ever so slightly and thus changed my perception. Suddenly we had moved into a different category, we were no longer friends messing around. We were friends messing around, but he also has a girlfriend. They are in an open relationship and he has drawn a very clear line between myslef and her. He had brought it up to be honest and open with me, another partner in their polyamorous relationship. He wanted to know if I was okay with it.

He assured me and answered my many and persistent questions enough for me to be okay with it for the evening. And since I have been doing a lot of thinking.

Part of me feels slighted, but in a different way. I'm attractive to him enough to be kept in his phone for all these months, but not someone that he feels is important enough to keep in continual contact. His girlfriend is the person he will settle down with, someone he loves and trusts and shares his desires with. There is a twinge of jealousy that flares and subsides, he wants me - just not as much as he want her. I feel like this is a problem I have had for some time, they like me - but there's always something like a girlfriend that throws things off. So maybe this isn't the best situation for me to be jumping into, given my jealousy and feelins for this boy. I could just walk away and find someone new, someone without a girlfriend.

Part of me feels this is an opportunity though. This is a chance to see where exactly my boundries lie and what my own sexuality means to me. Maybe this could work for me, maybe I could be happy with this situation without expectations or pressure. For now anyway. I could look forward to consistent sex with a caring partner and friend until the time come for my own serious relationship with a caring partner and friend. And maybe this will be the way I like it, multiple partners fufilling multiple roles in my life and heart. If only I try and seize the opportunities that present themselves.

I have to figure out where I fit in all of this, I have to figure out if I even need to fit in all of this. I'm not waiting on him to make the next more, I'm not waiting for him to call. I'm just waiting for me.