Alone For Now

My phone stop ringing, the bells inside have forgotten all about me. Finally. It was too hectic to have so much unwanted attention. Unwanted in the end, but something interesting while it was happening. While it was really happening everything was fun and a little exciting.

While it was happening.

Then the thing would sort of stop happening, only I was in the middle of it and then suddenly realize I wasn't anymore. It was chaotic and unpleasant to realize this, suddenly finding myself on unstable footing. I didn't know what to think and felt a little out of sorts. I think all of that is over though. The dust has settled mostly and now I just have to gather everything I had before, making an image of what I was once before. Now, a little different and slightly changed. From the outside it appears nothing significant has shifted, though I know there is a lot that won't ever be the same.

A little older and a little more damaged.

I'm coming up on a birthday, I've lost and gained so much in the past year. I've fallen and gotten up, mostly without a scratch. Often coming out of each altercation with a scar. Those are what move the narrative along though, it's the way we mark time in the physical sense. We watch the passing of time with the healing and fading of all the injuries, psychological and physical. It makes the story all the more interesting.

Interesting to you, though sometimes I worry about what might be so wrong with a boring existence.

Something more quiet might be nice for the time being. I like that my phone doesn't wake me as I'm drifting off to sleep. Without fail this has been the norm for the past few months, no matter who was on the other end. They woke me and made it impossible to sleep with their words lingering just at the edge of all my dreams. And now, even those have faded and I'm left alone to sleep and dream with peace.

For the time being I'll be by myself, things didn't work out so well with the others. Maybe I just need to sort a few more things out before meeting someone that truly matters. Though I did enjoy the company. In the end the emotional upheaval was not worth it. I still miss a certain quality of what they offered. Their smiles coming through the glare of sunlight, or the memory of their hands holding mine. I miss having someone, even though none of these were ever mine. It was nice to hear how wonderful I am, soft whispers of how soft my skin is and nice my smile. It was a gentle stoking of the tiny ember of my ego, burning deep inside.

Often I find it difficult to strike a balance between protecting myself and opening up to allow someone in. I find it is easy to hurt me, I'm too sensitive and take things pretty personally. I can't be detached the way others are, not once I've let them in. It seems all or nothing. I'm either disinterested completely or deeply invested. Even when I am somewhat interested I come off as cold and distant. So, maybe being alone would be a good thing for now. This has all been too tumultuous and I'm looking forward to not having any of that energy ruining my fun.

I'm planning on having fun, as soon as I stop being sad. I've had to say goodbye to a few people lately that I thought I would have around for a bit longer. It's been hard to let go of it all. It feels like there are great holes where all this really awesome stuff once was. It feels like it will take forever to fill in the missing pieces, but soon they will and I'll even forget what this feels like.

And until then I'll just keep falling in love with Obama every day in some new and wonderful way. It has been great to see what he's doing as President, following up on promises and showing all of us this will be different than the last eight years. His amazingness is still showing and I can't wait to see where we all end up. I'll return to this as long as the longing lingers and haunts even my deepest of sleeps. I'll remember the times in which we live, from where we came to now in this strange transition toward something greater. This is the change, this is the ignition. More is to come and we'll all be in the streets making it happen, demanding it because we have to. Because we can.

Beginnings

I started writing this at a strange time. There was a lot happening, a lot coming to a close and so much more yet to begin.

It felt like the right time to write. For me, writing it down makes it more real. It is as though nothing really happens unless I write it out. I want to write more, I want to experience more and set it in a place with words written on the page. This is who I am, a writer. And when I make that statement there are often surprised tones of voice and raised eyebrows, as if I had suggested attending a burial for the fun of seeing the faces people make when they try not to cry. Maybe I just hold this part of my life too close for anyone else to see, afraid to show the cards I hold.

I'm shy though. This is something I try to overcome with every action and every breath of every day. It comes on and I become so insecure I can barely move, but if I am brave and push myself to the point I am hardly still inside my own body it can be managed. So I write and keep it secret, never showing others what it is I can do partly in fear and embarrassment. I've tried being honest with people I shouldn't have been and had it all turn against me in the end. I've tried to not let this affect how I act in new relationships, but more of the same happens and I become just a little more guarded. Except when I don't. There are the times when I fall into a beautiful trap and feel safe enough to allow myself to feel. And so it begins once again.

This year has started very confusingly. There has been quite a bit of heartache, but also a lot of happiness. I've found a prison and a freedom in it all. I feel trapped by a love that will go nowhere but into the past as if as a fast moving car in reverse. It was once clear and present, now farther away and quite blurry. Still the love lingers and causes just enough pain to make it seem oh so important and real, even though it lost relevance some time ago. There is a new interest though, someone not looking for a committed love or even relationship. And so I am free to be with someone that may or may not be important in the long run, but for now can offer a way to heal a broken heart and ego.

I'm new at relationships and being with another person is still so strange. I haven't learned all the lessons I might have if I had started this whole thing as a teenager, there's a lot I still need to experience. As long as I'm having fun, I guess I can see riding this out. And though I feel utterly broken, I know in time things will get better. They already are. It doesn't help that this city is so small, the circles tend to be pretty intimate. The person I'm trying not to see is still around, still within a community that prides itself on working together toward a common goal of change. Sometimes it is pretty crowded and you can get lost in the masses, other times the turn out is quite small and not so easy to hide within. Even then though the process of healing and moving on continues. Even when it feel like thing aren't getting better, they are.

So I write to make it real, to remember what it feels like and to remind myself that this did happen. I fell in love because he let me, I moved on because I had to. I wrote about it because it was never questioned. As I begin again I hope to keep writing and to be honest through the joy and the pain.

Midnight

It is the new year. Time for change and a new way to look at the future.

This past year was a lot of scars, there were some accidents and tumbles that left a mark. They all tell a story and meander along, running into each other. The biggest one is still quite new, hidden mostly and not easily forgotten. Though it comes at the perfect time for me. Letting it go to be free of the emotions holding me back. The scars and the hurt will pass if I let it, holding on will only make it worse. I'll choose to be happy and bring out the joy within to hea the pain felt now.

No scars this year.

The last night of 2008 was spent running around the city, building an outfit and successorizing. There were early drinks and a small dinner with family. Then the real drinking began and then the dancing and laughing. All in hopes of erasing the past mis-steps and regrets of the past year. Perhaps the evening would lead to more mistakes to try to forget. The music of the evening lead to a choreographed dance of events and happenings to mark a new beginning of the new year. The countdown to midnight was just a moment, almost insignificant in that still so much was to come.

More successories.

The early hours of 2009 found me stumbling homeward with a new companion on my arm, hoping to find a taxi to take us up the hill. The evening had turned chilly and there was a slight Seattle mist dusting my face. My friend asked if a taxi was necessary, my warm home was quite near so it really wasn't. I had already fell in love with getting a ride back toward my bed though and made no movement in an act of non-committal. We journeyed on to my house to spend the remainder of the evening, though it seemed the majority of excitement for the night had been spent already. Such a build-up will lead to these things.

Elaborate and exciting happenings in the new year.

The thing that I have been made aware of lately as the year has been winding down is to be open to the possibilities and opportunities. Letting it all happen. Sometimes it works out fantastically, so wonderfully I can't believe my luck. Events that lead me to fall in love with my life and everything yet to come. Then there's the possibles that lead to a broken heart and despair so deep the surface seems too far above my head to even make an effort. Those are the days I question the plan and wonder what exactly is in store along this path that seems so bright at times, yet quite gloomy at others. However, to shut those opportunities out simply because there's the slight chance of a scar too deep to heal seems too extreme to be all that responsible.

Go along for the ride.

My hope is for health and happiness, finding my way through an adventure and coming out at the end with stories laughter. My only regrets being not living enough.