Alone For Now
My phone stop ringing, the bells inside have forgotten all about me. Finally. It was too hectic to have so much unwanted attention. Unwanted in the end, but something interesting while it was happening. While it was really happening everything was fun and a little exciting.
While it was happening.
Then the thing would sort of stop happening, only I was in the middle of it and then suddenly realize I wasn't anymore. It was chaotic and unpleasant to realize this, suddenly finding myself on unstable footing. I didn't know what to think and felt a little out of sorts. I think all of that is over though. The dust has settled mostly and now I just have to gather everything I had before, making an image of what I was once before. Now, a little different and slightly changed. From the outside it appears nothing significant has shifted, though I know there is a lot that won't ever be the same.
A little older and a little more damaged.
I'm coming up on a birthday, I've lost and gained so much in the past year. I've fallen and gotten up, mostly without a scratch. Often coming out of each altercation with a scar. Those are what move the narrative along though, it's the way we mark time in the physical sense. We watch the passing of time with the healing and fading of all the injuries, psychological and physical. It makes the story all the more interesting.
Interesting to you, though sometimes I worry about what might be so wrong with a boring existence.
Something more quiet might be nice for the time being. I like that my phone doesn't wake me as I'm drifting off to sleep. Without fail this has been the norm for the past few months, no matter who was on the other end. They woke me and made it impossible to sleep with their words lingering just at the edge of all my dreams. And now, even those have faded and I'm left alone to sleep and dream with peace.
For the time being I'll be by myself, things didn't work out so well with the others. Maybe I just need to sort a few more things out before meeting someone that truly matters. Though I did enjoy the company. In the end the emotional upheaval was not worth it. I still miss a certain quality of what they offered. Their smiles coming through the glare of sunlight, or the memory of their hands holding mine. I miss having someone, even though none of these were ever mine. It was nice to hear how wonderful I am, soft whispers of how soft my skin is and nice my smile. It was a gentle stoking of the tiny ember of my ego, burning deep inside.
Often I find it difficult to strike a balance between protecting myself and opening up to allow someone in. I find it is easy to hurt me, I'm too sensitive and take things pretty personally. I can't be detached the way others are, not once I've let them in. It seems all or nothing. I'm either disinterested completely or deeply invested. Even when I am somewhat interested I come off as cold and distant. So, maybe being alone would be a good thing for now. This has all been too tumultuous and I'm looking forward to not having any of that energy ruining my fun.
I'm planning on having fun, as soon as I stop being sad. I've had to say goodbye to a few people lately that I thought I would have around for a bit longer. It's been hard to let go of it all. It feels like there are great holes where all this really awesome stuff once was. It feels like it will take forever to fill in the missing pieces, but soon they will and I'll even forget what this feels like.
And until then I'll just keep falling in love with Obama every day in some new and wonderful way. It has been great to see what he's doing as President, following up on promises and showing all of us this will be different than the last eight years. His amazingness is still showing and I can't wait to see where we all end up. I'll return to this as long as the longing lingers and haunts even my deepest of sleeps. I'll remember the times in which we live, from where we came to now in this strange transition toward something greater. This is the change, this is the ignition. More is to come and we'll all be in the streets making it happen, demanding it because we have to. Because we can.
While it was happening.
Then the thing would sort of stop happening, only I was in the middle of it and then suddenly realize I wasn't anymore. It was chaotic and unpleasant to realize this, suddenly finding myself on unstable footing. I didn't know what to think and felt a little out of sorts. I think all of that is over though. The dust has settled mostly and now I just have to gather everything I had before, making an image of what I was once before. Now, a little different and slightly changed. From the outside it appears nothing significant has shifted, though I know there is a lot that won't ever be the same.
A little older and a little more damaged.
I'm coming up on a birthday, I've lost and gained so much in the past year. I've fallen and gotten up, mostly without a scratch. Often coming out of each altercation with a scar. Those are what move the narrative along though, it's the way we mark time in the physical sense. We watch the passing of time with the healing and fading of all the injuries, psychological and physical. It makes the story all the more interesting.
Interesting to you, though sometimes I worry about what might be so wrong with a boring existence.
Something more quiet might be nice for the time being. I like that my phone doesn't wake me as I'm drifting off to sleep. Without fail this has been the norm for the past few months, no matter who was on the other end. They woke me and made it impossible to sleep with their words lingering just at the edge of all my dreams. And now, even those have faded and I'm left alone to sleep and dream with peace.
For the time being I'll be by myself, things didn't work out so well with the others. Maybe I just need to sort a few more things out before meeting someone that truly matters. Though I did enjoy the company. In the end the emotional upheaval was not worth it. I still miss a certain quality of what they offered. Their smiles coming through the glare of sunlight, or the memory of their hands holding mine. I miss having someone, even though none of these were ever mine. It was nice to hear how wonderful I am, soft whispers of how soft my skin is and nice my smile. It was a gentle stoking of the tiny ember of my ego, burning deep inside.
Often I find it difficult to strike a balance between protecting myself and opening up to allow someone in. I find it is easy to hurt me, I'm too sensitive and take things pretty personally. I can't be detached the way others are, not once I've let them in. It seems all or nothing. I'm either disinterested completely or deeply invested. Even when I am somewhat interested I come off as cold and distant. So, maybe being alone would be a good thing for now. This has all been too tumultuous and I'm looking forward to not having any of that energy ruining my fun.
I'm planning on having fun, as soon as I stop being sad. I've had to say goodbye to a few people lately that I thought I would have around for a bit longer. It's been hard to let go of it all. It feels like there are great holes where all this really awesome stuff once was. It feels like it will take forever to fill in the missing pieces, but soon they will and I'll even forget what this feels like.
And until then I'll just keep falling in love with Obama every day in some new and wonderful way. It has been great to see what he's doing as President, following up on promises and showing all of us this will be different than the last eight years. His amazingness is still showing and I can't wait to see where we all end up. I'll return to this as long as the longing lingers and haunts even my deepest of sleeps. I'll remember the times in which we live, from where we came to now in this strange transition toward something greater. This is the change, this is the ignition. More is to come and we'll all be in the streets making it happen, demanding it because we have to. Because we can.
posted by Sweet Sara at
8:33 AM
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