Ten Years

Has it really been a decade since...

Since falling in love with the spirit and community of the street, how did I miss it? How did time creep on by to suddenly show in a stark light just how long and far it has been. Do you hear it even now. The chanting voices joined in unison as we declare these streets our streets and beat down capitalism as if our united fist could rule the world. Thrust high into the air with banners and puppets, fire and smoke. A fear of tear gas and penned in/out by the cops. We live here! Didn't they hear? Voices uplifting to sing out with strength and determination, to win over the world with he simplest of ideas - peace and fairness. Not free, you see.

My heart gave itself over that day, that week was proof of what would come and what might become of me. A decade ago I fell in love with the virtues of fighting for what seemed right, giving a voice to the voiceless and standing up for those who could not. N30 was the start of a journey that lead to an education and passion marked by injustices and corruption a well as hope and an understanding of living together, depending on one another. It was a change in paradigm and a break into a different kind of activism, decentralized and propelled by individuals. You know, be the change...

I saw the world change that day, I was there finding myself in the streets with chaos and beauty surrounding me. The violence and disorder a surprise, the police taking force beyond necessary levels just to prove a point. Anger and frustration forced my voice and I found the strength to stand my ground and form an opinion. I had ideas about the world and how to change it, ready to take on discussion and further studies. I was a part of it and we shut down the WTO.

A decade...

I was so young, not yet out of my mother's home still waiting on so many things to come. Now I am older, on my own with bills and a job. The passion remains, the streets still belong to all of us. You can still hear our feet and voices rising above the downtown buildings, carried to the ears of powerful men leading powerful lives. Corporate greed has got to go. I live it still, every action an act of revolution. Every statement, one of truth and justice. Love and admiration for the game, for the people I stand with and those that brave the harshest conditions to scrape out an existence and hope for the future.

Ten years of falling in love with a movement that is in constant flux, changing and shifting to always remain the same and true to life. The one and only; a battle with both bread and roses, tear gas and (rubber) bullets, songs and laughter. We walked together, we stood on ground unshakable, and we united with those behind bars. It was a difficult week, but ended with a sly smile. We had changed the world while everyone was watching. It was real, it happened, it was televised.

Here's to more of this, a constant change rippling out toward an ever distant shore to cause a change far greater than we had hoped for. I am still reaching for further enlightenment, deeper understanding, and a more resilient spirit of community and change. Here's to more.

Another Year

The seasons are changing, it's darker and a bit colder. The weather reminds me of someone I have almost forgotten, though fate is cruel and refuses to let me. The other day I thought of him and where he might be, where we were this time last year. And then I saw him and the universe showed me just how happy he was and I felt crushed and more alone than I should have. The day was not ruined, even though it took a little while to let myself be sad and move forward. I did move forward. I asked to know what he was up to and it was shown to me very clearly, so I asked to know what is next for me. I put it out into the universe, I know he's happy and I want to see what it is like for me to be happy.

There has to be more to it than this, there has to be something waiting for me. Here we go again, another year.

I question what could lay ahead for me, what the future holds. I look to my past to find the patterns that will carry forward and help to tell the story as it progresses. I worry about the bad things and I worry about the sad things, fuck it - let's have some fun. I want to grow as an artist and activist, I want to break the negative cycles from my past and create the positive energy that will help me to be the happy and healthy individual I strive to be. Though I try I see myself failing, I see old habits and mindsets coming back to keep holding me back. I'm working hard this time to face the doubt and fear, to overcome the cycle of abuse and finally find a stronger footing.

A garden was planted some time ago, seeds of hate and anger sprouted and have taken root. The voices of my father and long ago peers echo inside of me and my every move, a sweet reminder of my miseducation and the neglect that could have destroyed me. I was strong enough then and I'm strong enough now, there is always a way out and a door to set yourself free. This time my own voice is planting the seeds along with the mistrust fostered by the men that have come and gone. The same men that poured affection and compliments into my pretty little head, where they became confused and eventually turned into a source of great pain. The same men that were a stand-in for an absent and violent father.

I like me for me, I like the way I laugh - a laugh to scare the doves. I Like who I am and what I stand for, the passion of my convictions carry through every action. I like the way I have learned to speak up for myself, to say what needs to be said and not let anyone intimidate me. I've let too many situations silence me, I like that I have the confidence to let my ideas stand for themselves. I like that I'm weird and strange and have an interesting take on the world around me. What happens when that's all they see? A strange and funny girl not to be taken so seriously, is that really me? My quirkiness forcing a gap between the ones I love and could one day love. And that oh so palatable sense of being tolerated. It gets old and I'm tired, when will I learn that patience is a virtue? Once I've mastered that I'll be all set to reap my rewards, true happiness and a love that with shame the rest with its pure awesomeness.

Another year to see what's next. Show me what it means for me to be happy, show me what could be if I just open my mind to the possibility.