Old Age

screams stop, but youth laughs and goes right on growing old.

Mustn't, don't. But I do. I'm young and happy and full of possiblility because I have lived just a short while and have yet to really be beaten by life. Things have happened, I have stories and laugh through it all because what more is there to do; I still have so much time to find the really good things. I still have possible and furture goals to find that I have yet to even discover. There's so much more to do before really doing anything that might matter.

Then I think of all the people that surround me and where I might be in comparrison to the lives they lead. Not to hold myself to the same standards as others, or try to accomplish all that my peers might wish to go after, but just to see where we all stand. And then I think of the generations that have come before and my grandparents and what they would be doing at my age. What have I missed? What more do I have to work for in order to end up where they are or maybe wher I would like to be.

Listening to stories of their youth and seeing the journey they have taken, what adventures they had along the way and what would be the eventual end, I can't seem to see how my life will turn out to be anything like the one they've had. And a touch a sadness creeps into my mind as the reality sets in and I see myself projected into the future and fear what I might miss if I don't start trying harder.

This is all so much fun, but really does it lead anywhere?

Summer?

The season is changing without a doubt and I'm worried I might have wasted the warmth of summer. I'm feeling so far away and sort of isolated, which does not help these feelings. They feed off of each other and the more I wish it were better the worse I end up. I have to pretend to care and to be engaged and to feel a part of all that is happening. I'm worried this shows and that I'll be thrown into the spotlight for all to see just how awful I really am.

Day one of my summer vacation was ruined by a car accident. I totaled the purple Camry and had to say goodbye in Portland as the sun was setting, surrounded by a collection of my belongings and a few of my sister's. For the next week I was too stressed to enjoy the fact that I was away from Seattle and work, all I wanted was to go home. This was a family vacation though and I wasn't allowed to leave.

Today is just a bad day I guess, but I'm not sure how to fix the way I feel. I'm not very nice to be around right now and I'm aware of this, but things only end up worse because of this self-awareness. I feel so alone, but I'm not. I think it would be better if I was actually alone rather than this in-between state. I'm surrounded by people that enjoy my company and respect me, but I'm afraid it's all just superficial. Or at least not the deep lasting love that I feel is missing from a lot of my relationships.

So what happened to summer? There's still a few days left and I know I'll have time to enjoy the warm outdoors for a bit longer, but I hope to feel better about everything. I guess I can just decide to be in a better mood and make myself happy to actually be happy.

How long do I have to fake it until I make it though?