Summer?

The season is changing without a doubt and I'm worried I might have wasted the warmth of summer. I'm feeling so far away and sort of isolated, which does not help these feelings. They feed off of each other and the more I wish it were better the worse I end up. I have to pretend to care and to be engaged and to feel a part of all that is happening. I'm worried this shows and that I'll be thrown into the spotlight for all to see just how awful I really am.

Day one of my summer vacation was ruined by a car accident. I totaled the purple Camry and had to say goodbye in Portland as the sun was setting, surrounded by a collection of my belongings and a few of my sister's. For the next week I was too stressed to enjoy the fact that I was away from Seattle and work, all I wanted was to go home. This was a family vacation though and I wasn't allowed to leave.

Today is just a bad day I guess, but I'm not sure how to fix the way I feel. I'm not very nice to be around right now and I'm aware of this, but things only end up worse because of this self-awareness. I feel so alone, but I'm not. I think it would be better if I was actually alone rather than this in-between state. I'm surrounded by people that enjoy my company and respect me, but I'm afraid it's all just superficial. Or at least not the deep lasting love that I feel is missing from a lot of my relationships.

So what happened to summer? There's still a few days left and I know I'll have time to enjoy the warm outdoors for a bit longer, but I hope to feel better about everything. I guess I can just decide to be in a better mood and make myself happy to actually be happy.

How long do I have to fake it until I make it though?