Spring?

Life can be overwhelming, I choose to invite more stress than needed into mine and therefore feel overwhelmed. I guess in an effort to have something to talk about.

I take too much on then ignore it until the deadlines are looming and I have to scramble to get it all done. And then I get to talk about it. Or I don't. I keep things under wraps and let it all go unnoticed, like me. I feel invisible a lot of the time so why shouldn't my good deeds. I keep it like a secret and with quiet whispers let the world know what it is I'm up to, on person at a time. But I go on and hope no one notices little old me, while bemoaning the fact that no one notices me. Which way is it really going though, which is a response to the action and which is the one that came first. A real-life chicken and egg wreaking havoc on my life.

I retreat a lot to think over the happier moments, in soul-crushing detail. Why has no one ever loved me? The moments stand in a bright sunny spot where the tree branches have parted and the doom and gloom are not welcomed. The moment ravels on a loop and I can actually hear my laughter and feel what it was like to have Dan try to push me over while I balanced on one foot. Then the moment fades and flickers and in the instant before starting over I see everything around that time, what came next and what essentially didn't come next. The feeling makes my stomach drop and I begin to wonder why he went away, I wonder. My little runaway. It wasn't just with Dan, it has been with them all. Times spent with boys who make promises and lies flitting by like a twinkle in my own mind's eye, making me question the authenticity of every day spent putting it all back together. With their careless gestures and innocent plans of the future a seed is planted and it is fast growing with deep roots that twist and tangle. Digging that shit up is hard.

I add it all on the growing list and put it off for another day. The problems don't go away, they don't get smaller, and I don't ever learn to deal with things today rather than tomorrow.

But I like looking back at the funny and sweet moments, watching them patched together like a movie. Like a real movie with cliches and all. Though these guys are all temporary and fleeting, putting them together and slowing time make them one great story. I can dig myself into the past for a little bit and recede from the problems of now to a place that has laughter and smiles, adoring smiles. In those moments I had such happiness. It's only when I think of what happened next that makes me sad, more so because it makes no sense. It is as though the sadness were magnified and the cruelty of it all made more intense because of the juxtaposition.

It snowed today.

Maybe the newness and love and all that comes with this season is only waiting something out and will be with us shortly. Maybe it's just up to me to take a small leap and make things happen.