A Trip South

Winter in the rainy city was getting to me, my bones were taking on water and my toes felt cold inside my sneakers from all the wet. So I turned a loving eye toward a dear and precious friend working for the year on a distant and oh-so warm island. I could visit and catch up with her while also soaking up the sun that has forgotten us here at home. The sand was soft and the surf was warm, we played and danced and laughed.

It was a lovely time. Time to take for myself, away from work and the same old same old. I relaxed and lived as though today was all that mattered. I remembered how much I love the sun and warmth and light, the way it feels to have a sunny day without the rain. And again began to fantasize about living and working abroad, searching out my own endless summer.

In this place though, I found my mind wandering a familiar and dangerous path. I went back and thought a lot about someone. Someone that I can't shake because I was so shaken by them. Seeing a face in the crowd or remembering a small conversation referencing this trip as a future plan sent me back to a place I've been fighting to let go. It's small and far away from the normal reality I try to live everyday, it takes me away from all the good things and slams me back into the bad. So even as I was escaping the daily grind, the large and angry raccoon in the room would not be ignored. In little ways I've cut away from this, little by little making it better and easier. Though I've still got a long way to go.

One night we went dancing and had fun finding trouble. I tried not to be too scandalous, but failed epically. I disappeared and though my friends looked for me they could not find me. I was off making trouble and getting in over my head too quickly to realize how terrible it was turning out. My friends became so mad at me they decided that they were not drunk enough and needed shots of tequila to remedy the situation. Perhaps they would have more fun after. I made them mad enough to pay $8 a shot. All this I apologized for later, on the dance floor and on our way to bed as well as in the morning. Once I returned from an adventure that could have turned out much worse I realized how stupid I had been and how my friends had suffered as well. So there was a little peek into my soul and evaluation on why I do the things I do, obviously something needs to change. I'm reckless in a reckless way, it's not cute or fun and the stories aren't that interesting. 

It's up to me, I want my life to be different so I'll make it so. I have to stop waiting around for something to happen, it's up to me to make it happen. I've let things slip a little too much, I've let things go bad and get worse. I've let things happen naturally, but I also let things go on that should have been stopped long ago. The focus was lost and the whys turned into reasons to let it all fall apart a little bit more. So now I know, now I can move back toward the path I should have been on all along.

We went swimming in clear pools of freshwater, swimming also were these cute little catfish. It was a special day of searching out a van that would take us away from the city and then waiting by the highway afterward to flag down another ride home. I wish I could go back to be able to bring more of it with me now that I am home for real. I miss the sun and way to be able to relax that is only possible in the summer, with the night floating in on a song through the open window. It's hard finding my way back, finding the sun in the morning with so many overcast clouds.