Another Year

The seasons are changing, it's darker and a bit colder. The weather reminds me of someone I have almost forgotten, though fate is cruel and refuses to let me. The other day I thought of him and where he might be, where we were this time last year. And then I saw him and the universe showed me just how happy he was and I felt crushed and more alone than I should have. The day was not ruined, even though it took a little while to let myself be sad and move forward. I did move forward. I asked to know what he was up to and it was shown to me very clearly, so I asked to know what is next for me. I put it out into the universe, I know he's happy and I want to see what it is like for me to be happy.

There has to be more to it than this, there has to be something waiting for me. Here we go again, another year.

I question what could lay ahead for me, what the future holds. I look to my past to find the patterns that will carry forward and help to tell the story as it progresses. I worry about the bad things and I worry about the sad things, fuck it - let's have some fun. I want to grow as an artist and activist, I want to break the negative cycles from my past and create the positive energy that will help me to be the happy and healthy individual I strive to be. Though I try I see myself failing, I see old habits and mindsets coming back to keep holding me back. I'm working hard this time to face the doubt and fear, to overcome the cycle of abuse and finally find a stronger footing.

A garden was planted some time ago, seeds of hate and anger sprouted and have taken root. The voices of my father and long ago peers echo inside of me and my every move, a sweet reminder of my miseducation and the neglect that could have destroyed me. I was strong enough then and I'm strong enough now, there is always a way out and a door to set yourself free. This time my own voice is planting the seeds along with the mistrust fostered by the men that have come and gone. The same men that poured affection and compliments into my pretty little head, where they became confused and eventually turned into a source of great pain. The same men that were a stand-in for an absent and violent father.

I like me for me, I like the way I laugh - a laugh to scare the doves. I Like who I am and what I stand for, the passion of my convictions carry through every action. I like the way I have learned to speak up for myself, to say what needs to be said and not let anyone intimidate me. I've let too many situations silence me, I like that I have the confidence to let my ideas stand for themselves. I like that I'm weird and strange and have an interesting take on the world around me. What happens when that's all they see? A strange and funny girl not to be taken so seriously, is that really me? My quirkiness forcing a gap between the ones I love and could one day love. And that oh so palatable sense of being tolerated. It gets old and I'm tired, when will I learn that patience is a virtue? Once I've mastered that I'll be all set to reap my rewards, true happiness and a love that with shame the rest with its pure awesomeness.

Another year to see what's next. Show me what it means for me to be happy, show me what could be if I just open my mind to the possibility.