Trying Something New

I'm trying to not let things blow up. The emotions are there and simmering just below the surface. I try to just smile through it and laugh and have a good time, or at lease gather all the ingredients that when combined will create the opportunity for a good time. Someone asked me how I can be so happy and was surprised by how well I was handling the break-up. I guess I just see it as having options, I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to be happy and get through this with a positive attitude. That doesn't mean I don't cry myself to sleep or lock myself in the bathroom sobbing every once in a while, I just make sure to not be miserable all the time.

I started to re-read Like Water For Chocolate, I ended up crying and feeling like I would never be happy again. I love the imagery from the book though, I like the idea of being near to someone through cooking or anything else really. It's a secret that the two of you share and it doesn't matter that there's a world between you, there's a space to inhabit where you're as close as two people can be.

I miss being close to someone. I haven't been that great at relationships and I've made a lot of mistakes, I like to experiment and make things up as I go. The problem is things usually don't turn out well, as if I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what it is. I just keep going though, what other option is there? I seemed to have done something right though with this person and it lasted for a little while and I'm happy for that. Maybe the next relationship will be a bit better. Maybe I'll get the right combination of ingredients and heat and make something great out of the chaos in my head. Isn't that the way it always is though?

So I'm trying something new and pushing on to see what lies ahead, I'm trying not to be too serious about it either. It's supposed to to be fun. I'm supposed to be laughing. Those are always good ingredients to have around, I can't go wrong with that. There's going to be more mistakes and a few frogs along the way though, so I'll have to remember through it all I should be having a good time regardless and try until something new works out. I'll have to experiment a bit longer.

I made soup the other night, there's still left-overs and though it doesn't look amazing it tastes alright and is delicious in its simplicity. It was an experiment that turned into something good. I have a fairly accurate sense of the way things fit together and what works for me, I have faith if I keep trying I'll find what I'm looking for and though it might not look amazing it will be wonderful - even if it is simple.